Posted in dealing with grief

Dear Tanya (February 5, 2017)

Dearest Tanya,

It’s been many months since I’ve written to you.  So many things have changed around here.  

I wish I could spend some time in Heaven with you.  I would tell you what is going on in my life as you would just roll your eyes at me.

I miss you so much.  Last week I actually read a book from front cover to back cover.  I haven’t been able to do that since you died.  Instead I listen to books on tape because I can handle it better once I finish the book.  After I finished the book, I so wanted to call you or give it to you so that you could read it.  I couldn’t shake the feeling for days afterwards.

So yesterday I did something I never thought I would do in a MILLION years.  I got a tattoo of a Monarch butterfly.  The tattoo is a memorial/ tribute to you.  I don’t know if you ever had a bucket list.  I’m the one who loved to explore the world and brought you along on some of my adventures.  I want to bring you along as I work on my bucket list.

The significance of my tattoo:

  • Butterflies were my theme when I was Worthy Advisor in Rainbow.  We were in Rainbow together from 1988 until my majority in 1995.
  • They are delicate.  You had such a delicate soul.
  • I have two tear drops on the one side of the butterfly which stands for 2 years.
  • On the other side of the butterfly is four tear drops which stands for 4 months.
  • I was 2 years 4 months older than you.
  • The date of the tattoo in numbers is also 2/4 – again 2 years 4 months.
  • The tear drops have purple in them because purple was your favorite colors.
  • The last time I saw a Monarch butterfly was when I was crying.  That’s why there are tear drops.
  • The butterfly is in flight because every time I see the Monarch butterfly it’s in flight.
  • Monarch butterflies migrate to Mexico.  You and I always were making up guys with Hispanic names.  Mom was supposedly dating those guys.
  • I’ve always loved to try to get photos of butterflies.  It’s so difficult to get a photo of them.  It was always difficult to get a photo of you.


The tattoo didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would have hurt.  The tattoo artist used bag balm while I was getting the tattoo.  Grandma and Grandpa used to have bag balm when we were younger.  It was as though they were with me during the process.  I also listened to P!nk who is the bada_ _ that I always wish I could be.  I think that helped me zone out during the process.

I love you and miss you!  Tell everyone who is in Heaven with you that I love them.  Give them a hug from me.

Love your annoying sister,

My song from my term as the Worthy Advisor in May of 1992.  The butterfly represents a promise of a new day.  One day it won’t hurt as much when I think of you.

One thought on “Dear Tanya (February 5, 2017)

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