Category: dealing with grief

dealing with grief, photograph, travel, walt disney world, Writing Workshop

If I Could Go Any Where for the Holidays

traci

If I had all of the money in the world, I would love to go down to Walt Disney World for Christmas.

I would not want to visit on Christmas Day because it would be way too busy but I would love to visit at some point in December.

Why would I want to go to Disney during the busy holiday season?

Two years ago, I got to see the decorations at some of the different resorts throughout Walt Disney World.  I loved seeing them.  I also got to see some of the holiday decorations outside of each of the parks.  (We didn’t go into any of the parks.)  I would love to see the decorations inside each of the park.  And photograph them.

Also I haven’t been to any of the Christmas parties in Disney.  When we were there 2 years ago, I hoped they would have one but there was none scheduled.  Bummer!

The last time I celebrated Christmas was during my College Program in 1995.  I worked on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, and maybe even New Year’s Day.  I had a visitor during Christmas week and even though we spent time in the park we could not get to Magic Kingdom because it was so busy.  The line for the monorail was all of the way to the entrance.  It would have taken an hour or so to even get on the monorail.

Those are some of the reasons I would love to spend time down in Disney.  The other reason is because honestly December is a hard month for me.  In the last fifteen years, I’ve lost close family members during December – my grandpa in 2003, my grandma in 2008, my father-in-law in 2013, and my father-in-law’s aunt in 2014.  (My grandma’s death was on Christmas Eve.)  

WDW is my happy place.  I’m like a child in a candy store while I’m there.  I put aside all of my worries while I am down there.  In fact, one of the reason I was down there in 2016 was because it was almost 3 months after my sister’s death.  We had planned for a trip to Universal Studios prior to her death.  A month after her death, I was seeing if there was a restaurant reservation available on Thanksgiving.  I luckily found one and a hotel stay for two nights on Thanksgiving and Black Friday.  While we were down there, she visited me on Thanksgiving.  (Butterfly)

I would love to just go down there and forget my worries.  

  • Christmas decorations
  • Christmas deorations
  • Christmas tree
  • Christmas decorations
  • Christmas decorations
  • The Animal Kingdom Christmas tree

Last year, I shared our local holiday display of Clifton Mill.  They were featured on a national tv show and granted money towards continuing the 30 years of light displays.  

Have a magical day,
Traci

dealing with grief, Dear Tanya, Recipes, travel

An Impulsive Road Trip

traci

The other day I went to a Mother-Son brunch.  We were asked to list 3 things we did before we had kids.

I forgot to put I took impulsive road trips.  One memorable one was with Tanya on March 30 to April 1, 2002.

I had forgotten when I took the trip until today.

On March 30, I called Tanya and told her to pack her stuff.  I was going to pick her up in an hour.  There was no destination in sight.  It was just us enjoying time together.

We drove to just on I-70 until just past the Illinois border.  Then we stopped for the night.

The next morning was Easter morning.  She was given the choice.  Either we could continue west to St. Louis or we could go north towards Chicago.

She choose going north.  We ended up in Chicago.

Things we did while in Chicago were visiting the Navy Pier.  We found some free parking with a shuttle that took us to the Navy Pier.

We also drove on Lake Shore Drive before continuing to head north towards Wisconsin.

I can remember stopping at a travel station and getting us dinner there.  One memory that sticks out is eating a salad from Burger King.  Don’t know why I remember that little detail.

Once we got to Wisconsin, we stayed in a town called Kenosha.  Since it was Easter, we stopped at their K-Mart and bought our Easter candy.

If you ever watched That 70s Show, they would visit Kenosha in several episodes.

After we woke up the next morning, we drove back home.

It was a nice little impulsive road trip that will forever stay in my mind.  The road trip was a great bonding time for Tanya and I.

10 years later, I would once again visit Kenosha.  This time with Hubby on our second kid free trip.  It’s an interesting little town.

14 years later, I would meet my current pastor.  He’s from Kenosha and was surprised that I had been there.

No photos exist of that road trip.  Just ones in my mind.

The feature photo is from my visit in 2012.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Beliefs, dealing with grief

Remembering Tanya on the One Year Anniversary of her Death

traci

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my sister’s death.  I honored her memory by releasing a balloon at a local park.

I went to a local park to release the balloon instead of at her grave.  When I go to the Wegerzyn Gardens, I feel a lot of peace.  The gardens are absolutely gorgeous.

 

The forecast was for thunderstorms all day.  So I did not get the balloon until I was on my way from work.  Even though we did have some rain during the day, it was only overcast while I was at the park.  Luck was on my side.

Thank you for sharing in my special private moment.

Have a magical day,
Traci

P.S.  Tell your loved ones that you love them.  Tomorrow is not promised.

Beliefs, dealing with grief, Recipes

The Night My Life Changed FOREVER

traci

Warning:  This blog post is going to be raw and real.  It’s difficult for me to type up but necessary.

Some of the details are going to be a little blurry.

August 28, 2016 was a regular Sunday.  I had church in the morning.  Then we were going to eat dinner at my mother-in-law’s house.  I had cooked balsamic pork roast for our dinner.  After dinner, the boys and I were going to go to see a Weird Al concert.  The Wee One had been to his first concert.  This was going to be the Imaginative One’s first concert.

My phone rang.  When I saw it was my mom, I decided to wait to call her back since we were going to sit down and eat.  Then my phone rang for a second time.  It was her.  I knew it must be important since she immediately called me for a second time.

I answered it.  That’s when she told me that Tanya had died.  I remember walking into my mother-in-law’s family room and sinking into her maroon chair after getting off the phone.  My body was numb and I might have yelled No.  No.  Hubby ran into the living room to comfort me as I tried to say the words that Tanya had died.

I was so numb.

My niece walked in from a Christian concert so bubbly and talking a mile a minute.  I remember someone telling her that what had happened.

I remember sitting on my mother-in-law’s rocking couch calling my best friend, Angie, to tell her that Tanya had died.  Then I went outside to the front area of the house to call my friend Molly.  While I was on the phone, the police from where my mother and sister lived called me.  They told me to get over to my mother’s house as soon as possible.

I remember sitting down and attempting to eat some of the dinner I cooked but not being able to.  I know I took a roll with me since I had to drive to their town.

Before I left, I wrote a vague Facebook update asking for prayers.  I didn’t want to put it out that Tanya had died until I got a hold of my aunt.

I took the longest way possible to my mom’s house.  It should have taken 45 minutes at the most.  Instead it took me close to an hour or longer to get there.

One of my co-workers kept in contact with me to make sure I had support while I was driving to my mom’s.

Once I got there, my mom looked as though she had aged 20 years.  She seemed so frail and fragile.  It was so sad.

(There is more to the story from the time I was at her apartment.  I don’t want to share it now.  Maybe I will share the rest of the story later.)

Mom was going to go home with me and stay with me until we could get her a new place that was closer to my house.

We went and got gas from the local Speedway.  I called my mother-in-law when I went inside to go to the bathroom.  She went to get some new clothes for my mom to make sure she was comfortable after the events from the day.

We drove home.  Suddenly I noticed rain clouds so we got off the highway and drove the side streets the rest of the way.  We needed to stop twice because it was raining so hard that I could not see the road.  In my grief stricken mood, I should not be driving when it was raining so hard.

After we stopped the second time, we drove through Wright State University’s campus.  I remember seeing a doe while we were stopped at the stop sign.

Finally we got home.  My mother-in-law showed up with the clothes.  Mom took a bath.

I walked into my garage and tried to call my aunt.  I was finally able to get a hold of her.  She made plans to come to Ohio to help support us.

I never ate that roll.  My blood sugar ended up tanking out in the middle of the night.

That night began the daily can’t sleep all night for the majority of the month of September.  I had to sleep with my stuffed Pumbaa from the Disney College Programs so that I could get any sleep.

My life changed that night.  For almost 39 years, I was a big sister.  Now I am an only child.

Tanya now visits me as a Monarch butterfly instead of me calling her on the phone.  I will forever miss her.

Dear God,

Please grant me peace as I remember Tanya’s life on Monday.  Grant me peace when I go and celebrate her 40th birthday next week.

In Jesus’ name,
Traci

Traci

P.S.  The boys did go to the concert.  In my haze, I got a hold of one of their friends.  We offered my ticket to him for free.  It ended up being his 14th birthday present from us.  He became a Weird Al fan after the concert.

dealing with grief, Dear Tanya

Dear Tanya, (August 22, 2017)

traci

Dearest Tanya,

It’s been FOREVER since I last wrote to you.  Can you believe it’s almost a year since you gained your Heavenly body?  Okay, I don’t know if you actually have a body but I think you know what I’m talking about.  At least I hope you do.

I’m typing this on your laptop.  Actually I think it was Mom’s but whatever.  Hubby finally found a cord that would work with this laptop.  We sent it over to Dave to figure out the password.  You put a hint for the password but we still could not figure it out.  Dave finally fixed it and then upgraded the laptop.  Mom gave it to me because she knew Hubby and I will sometimes fight for the computer.  She wanted me to have something that was mine.

I’m heading to Pittsburgh Labor Day Weekend to celebrate your 40th birthday.  I know you probably rolled your eyes when I went on the Disney Cruise on my 40th.  Well, I wanted to go somewhere to celebrate your birthday.  After much thought, I decided Pittsburgh would be a good idea because we traveled there several times.  Many memories were created there.  Like me pretending like I was going to jump off the overlook after Grandma B.’s funeral or listening to Grandma B. complaining about the fact people were not at church while we were at the Pancake House.  I plan to visit Phipps Conservatory on your birthday.  Do you remember going there in 2004 with Nick?  Instead of Grandma riding in the wheelchair, I thought it would be funny for me to ride in the wheelchair.

I miss you so much!  Thank you for sending the Monarch butterflies to show me that you are still watching over me.  Please continue to watch over me.

Give our loved ones in Heaven a hug from me.  Tell them I love them.

Your annoying sister,
Traci

Beliefs, dealing with grief

Monarch Butterflies (Dealing with Grief)

traci

As many of you know, I have a monarch butterfly tattoo on my left shoulder.  The top of the tattoo has purple dots because that was my sister’s favorite color.  One top wing has 2 dots which represents the fact there were 2 of us and she was 2 years younger than me.  The other wing has 4 dots which represents the fact that her birthday was on September 4th.  Our birthdays were also 4 months apart.  I was actually 2 years 4 months older than her.

 

Why did I get a Monarch butterfly on my shoulder?  One year ago on August 28th, Tanya left her Earthly body for her Heavenly body.  Every since her death, I’ve seen Monarch butterflies when I’ve needed her.

Today’s post is going to list the special times I’ve seen a Monarch butterfly since August 28th, 2016.

August 30th – We were cleaning out her apartment.  I was sitting in my car when a Monarch flew by me.

September 2nd – Right after her funeral, a Monarch flew by my aunt and myself.

September 5th – I was waiting at Young’s Dairy for my family from Pittsburgh.  A Monarch flew by me.

Sometime in September – During dismissal duty, another Monarch flew by me and up into the sky.

Last weekend in October  – Hubby and I were visiting Louisville to give me time away from all of the pressure I was feeling.  It was the 2nd month anniversary of her death.  There were a lot of Monarchs flying around purple flowers.

Thanksgiving – This one was truly when I realized it was her.  I cried tears in the bathtub in Cabana Bay Beach Resort because I was missing her.  Later that day, I was at the entrance of Animal Kingdom.  I saw a Monarch butterfly.  Then at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, I saw another one by giraffes.  She knew I love Disney and giraffes.

August 5th – I finally visited her grave.  Later that day, she visited me when I was working at a tent for DeMolay and Rainbow.  We are both majority members.

August 20th (Today) – I was missing her.  I went to talk to the Imaginative One who was outside.  Suddenly a Monarch was flying around the yard.  When she came to visit me, she would sit outside on our little patio.

Also in June – I was walking on the beach on the 10th month anniversary of her death.  Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.  No one was there.  I know it was her telling me “Traci, I’m here with you.  I’m walking through life with you.”

Image result for monarch butterfly photos

Even though I know she is still with me, I still miss her.  I often have the urge to call her because I want to talk to her.  No one will ever understand the feeling of emptiness that I feel.

During the next week, I’m going to be sharing my feelings as the year anniversary of her death approaches.

Here’s the schedule for this coming week:

Monday – Menu plan Monday

Tuesday – Dealing with Grief Post – Don’t know what yet

Wednesday  – New series – My visit to Rochester, New York

Thursday – Writer’s Workshop

Friday – Dealing with Grief Post – Don’t know what yet

Saturday – More of my Folly Beach trip

Sunday – Dealing with Grief Post – Don’t know what yet

Monday – The night my life changed forever 

Have a magical day,
Traci

dealing with grief, Writing Workshop

One More Day . . .

traci

5. You have one wish…what do you wish for?

Almost seven months ago, my sister left this Earth for her Heavenly home.  It was sudden.  I never got to say good-bye to her.

My wish is that I could spend one more day with her.  I would love to tell her how much she is loved.  How much I miss her.

During that day, I would do what I am known for – being unpredictable.  We would go on a road trip with no real destination.  I would take a million billion photos of our adventure.  Later I would smile when I would remember that one more day I spent with her.

We would talk about our youth and laugh our butts off.  Backstreet Boys or New Kids on the Block would be playing on my radio.

We would call my mom and pretend that some random Hispanic guy or a guy with a bad haircut was calling to ask her on the date.

If I had one wish, I would want more day with my sister.  As Trace Adkins sings “You’re Gonna Miss This,”  I truly do miss her and the times we spent together.

Have a magical day!

Traci

Mama’s Losin’ It