Tag Archives: dealing with grief

Why??

I’m hit with the question why while dealing with my feelings about losing Tanya.

My father was not a nice man especially when it came to dealing with me and my stubborn streak.

When we lived with my grandma, I was often the one to be in trouble instead of my sister.  She was often not impressed with whatever mischief I could get myself into on a daily or weekly basis.  I was either grounded or yelled at a lot as a teenager/ young adult because of my behavior.  (I still love and miss her.)

Then when I was in college, I was told by two of my professors that I should not be a teacher.  They didn’t think I had it in me to be successful.

In all of those situations, I had to overcome the obstacles that stood in my way.  Which at times were a lot.  I dealt with abuse and being told “you cannot do it.”  I had to pay my own college bills so I worked 35 to 40 hours a week at McDonald’s while taking a full class load at school.

With faith in God, I was overcame those obstacles to make me a stronger person.

Tanya was unable to overcome her obstacles.  Towards the end of her young life, she shut herself off from the people who loved her the most.  We had so much fun when we were younger traveling from place to place, exploring the world.  I may have gotten mad at her from time to time because I’m one who wants to experience as much as possible.

We had fun visiting places around where we lived.  We had fun exploring the Columbus Zoo with the boys.  We would speak to each other on the phone.

But then something changed, the demons she was experiencing in her life overwhelmed her.  Instead of allowing people into her life who truly loved her, she began to shut them down.  If she had only spoken to our mother about how she was truly feeling, she might still be here.

Why was I able to overcome those obstacles in my life?  I could have surely shut myself from the world because for a long I felt as though the world was against me.  One thing I know for certain is that it was because of God and for me allowing people into my world.  God also sent me a man that has stood by me during those difficult times.

So even tho I feel as the world is against me, I need to remember the words of the song “Overcomer.”

You’re an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You’re not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it’s hopeless
That’s when He reminds You
That you’re an overcomer
You’re an overcomer

God has something special planned for me.  He wants me to overcome the obstacles that come in my way.

However, I’ve got to question.  Why didn’t Tanya overcome her obstacles?  Why didn’t she trust the people who loved her the most?  Why couldn’t she tell mom how bad she was feeling?  Just Why?  Those answers wouldn’t be answered.  However, they will haunt me.  Why?  Oh, God, why?

I love you Tanya.  I miss you so much.  I just wish you could have trusted us enough to tell us that you were not feeling well.

Dear God,

No matter how many curve balls you throw at me, I need to remember to trust in you.  You will help me over come adversities that I am facing.  You will remind me that Satan cannot win.  You will remind me that you have a plan for me.  All I need to do is trust in you.

In Jesus name,

Amen

God’s Presence?

Have you ever felt God’s presence in your life?  With the tragedy of my sister passing, I feel his presence in my life.  He has something big planned for me.  And even though I have an inkling of what it might be, I don’t know how it’s going to go down.

One of my dreams is to be a writer.  It’s not a dream that I share with people.  I’m afraid that my grammar or poor spelling at times will get in the way so I’ve tucked that dream away.  I also have a fear that no one would want to read what I have to say.  I’ve always had a lot to say.  Sometimes people just tune me out because I can ramble on FOREVER.

Then I wrote the letter to Tanya, straight from my heart.  I know there was problems with my grammar but everyone got message I was trying to get across.

People are also calling me the historian.  I have a lot of memories tucked into my heart and mind.  I need to share those stories to the world instead of keeping them locked away.  One day I won’t be here to share them anymore.  My words will live on if I write them down.

As I said, I know God has big plans for me.  What they are and how they work themselves out is unwritten.  It’s up to me to trust in him to lead him down that path.

It’s been said to collect moments, not things.  I have both.  Some of the things I have are memories of moments that I have collected along my journey of life.

Jesus and God have heard my struggle through this difficult time.

As Robert Frost wrote

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I need to take the road less traveled during this difficult period of time in my life.