Monthly Archives: October 2019

Beliefs

Isaiah 41: 11-14

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A present that I got for myself was a new journaling Bible. God has been giving me strength during this difficult season of my life.

As I said, I went back to Sweet Blessings scripture writing plan at the beginning of this month. Oldest was going through his first break up so I needed to know how to give him encouragement.

After the death of my mom, I went on a hiatus of reading/ writing the scriptures. I’m now back.

My take away with this verse is that really you can’t please everyone. God will take care of those who oppose you. I’m not talking about physical harm but sometimes he’ll remove them from your life. You don’t know they conversations they are having about you so why should they be in your life. Don’t worry about them. Don’t allow them to take up residence in your brain.

I know as being flesh and bone humans we can’t always help letting people take up residence in our head. We need to pray to God with our worries. He’ll take them from you.

I’m dealing with that right now. I know of a few people who oppose me because of me trying to help them in a way they thought was threatening. It was more of me telling them I’ve been there. I know what it felt like being the one who was not favored. Please break that cycle. It’s not healthy. I was also trying to make sure one of their loved ones got some help because they were threatening self harm.

Even though I am left wondering why don’t they like me, I need to let it go. They don’t know me and my story. Only God and I know the story and my intentions.

To be honest, when I bear witness to this situation, people who do know me are so confused because I’m known for being kind and caring.

Until next time,

Have a magical day,
Traci

dealing with grief

A Song that spoke to my soul

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As I was driving to work on Thursday, I decided to put K-Love on the radio. They were talking all about the pledge drive which was annoying but I needed to listen to some feel good songs.

I understand that they need to raise money for the station. The annoying thing for me is that I just wanted to listen to music so that I could calm my soul before walking into work.

The one song they played was God Only Knows by For King and Country. Oh, my goodness that song spoke to my soul. It described how I was feeling right after Mom died.

I’ve included the two different versions of the song. I love both of the versions. Dolly Parton has such an angelic voice that she adds another dimension to the song.

Now, back to my story.

This is something that I actually have felt for a few years. That my story is not known by many people. They see one side of me and that side of me is only a small portion of my book of life. I get frustrated with the phrase White Privilege. I do understand that it does exist and I have benefited a little bit from it because people don’t judge me because I’m white. I’ll take that. However, I was not given anything because I’m white. Instead, I worked hard for it. No one knows except for me and God the story of my late teens/ early 20’s. However, that’s another story for another day.

Today, I’m speaking about the story of the relationship between my mom and myself. Our relationship was not one of me being able to confide in her. I often felt disappointment and sadness because she did not protect me from the people who hurt me physically and mentally. Or the times as an adult, I felt a sense of neglect when she was not there when I needed her most. It’s another story that only God and I know.

While the song played, tears just flowed down my face. Music therapy is so important to me. I believe in listening in music to calm my soul or to find something that I can relate to at that moment in my life. I found a song that described how I was feeling 2 weeks ago and for the days that followed.

When I got to work, I still felt teary eyed so 2 of my co-workers allowed me to cry on their shoulder.

God’s right there when I need him. He lets me know that I am special in his eyes. He lets me know that I am loved. And he let me know that he knows how I feel and it’s okay. It’s now time for me to tell my story so I can help other people who struggle with these same feelings.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Beliefs, dealing with grief

Psalms 118:24

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       The day after my mom’s death, my aunt and I went to the funeral home. Afterwards, we made memories. We visited Aullwood Garden and just talked. Then I took her to my 2 favorite places in the city – Wegerzyn Garden and Second Street Market. Places I had gone with my mom.

       While at the Second Street Market, we stopped at the one stall to get my cousin a charm. I saw that the charms in this stall were mostly Christian based.

       It was at that moment I decided I needed something to remind me that even with all this chaos in my life that I needed to rejoice that I’m still alive.

       At first, I got this huge bracelet and charm but realized that it would be too much of a bother, so I returned it for a much smaller charm and chain.

       So, what was on the charm that I needed it to remind me to rejoice in the day? It was the name of a book in the Bible with the chapter and verse. No other words.

       The charm says Psalm 118: 24 which reads “This is the day the Lord has made.

We will rejoice and be glad in it.”

       So simple but also so perfect.

       That Bible verse has been a favorite of mine for almost 30 years.

       In 1990, my youth group decided to go on a mission trip to the Over-the-Rhine area of Cincinnati. Not a good place to be for preteens and teenagers.

       I was 15 years old. Still very naïve about the world because this was before Internet. We learned from word of mouth or experiencing the world.

       Everything had bars on the windows. Doors were constantly locked. No one went anywhere without an adult. It was serious business.

       Anyway, I remember painting in some hallway and singing the song that is reference to that song “This is the day that the Lord hath made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. And be glad in it,” on repeat.

       That was the moment that that verse began to define my world. Now did I always rejoice every day. No, my next chapter of my life, college years, was not without trouble. I didn’t always rejoice every day. However, it is a verse that has constantly been by my side no matter if I have forgotten it at that moment.

       So now, I have a bracelet with a charm with a simple message. Find something to rejoice about during the day whether small or big. For example, yesterday I could rejoice that I got to see the beautiful leaves as Hubby, and I took a walk through the woods. Or today when an angry child calmed down because I was acting silly. Those are moments that I need to rejoice.

       My path right now is rough. It’s full of rocks and sharp thorns. However, I can look for some beauty along the way.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Beliefs, Family

I Granted Her Mercy

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          Three years ago, and almost 2 months ago, my life changed. It was dinner time. We were getting ready to eat so that we could go to see Weird Al Yankovic.

       My phone rang and I saw that it was my mom. I didn’t always answer the phone when she called. I would usually wait until later. We weren’t that close and spoke maybe every couple of weeks. I hadn’t seen her in 2 months at that point.

       When she called back, I knew I needed to answer the phone. That’s when she told me that my sister had died. However, she didn’t want me to come out to Brookville until the next day.

       It was not until the Brookville Police called me and said you need to come out right now. I took the longest time getting there. Meanwhile one of my co-workers kept talking with me to make sure I knew I was not alone.

       Once I picked my mom up that night, I had two choices. Either I could let anger take over my life or I could grant her mercy. God told me the path I needed to take was mercy.

       I first called my mother-in-law and told her that we needed to make sure she had the essentials, so she was comfortable.

       Then she moved in with us for the next almost 2 months. My grieving for my sister was done in secret – at night when everyone was asleep or on the way to work. I didn’t want to fall apart for her sake.

       After she moved into her apartment, we would get together for shopping trips, family Sunday dinners, and church on Sundays. We became closer but never truly close. She was never one I could truly confide my deepest secrets or dreams. That was never the foundation of our relationship.

       I’m so glad to have those 3 years together. We went on many adventures from seeing the fall leaves last year to going on one last mother-daughter trip down to Berea, KY in 2017. She discovered hummus, caramel macchiatos, and sparkling water. I showed her that life is an adventure. You don’t just float down a river until you die. Sometimes you just have to go out and discover what life has for you.

       I also required her to go back to church. I told her that she was not going to live at my house without attending church. Within 3 months of my sister’s death, she was once again a member of a church which was something that she enjoyed attending every week.

       Her face lit up with our many adventures. It’s not going to be the same when I go on some of these adventures alone. But I know she’ll be looking down from Heaven smiling at her fiercely independent and stubborn daughter who has endured so much in her life. So much that people don’t realize I have had to find the strength within to survive.

       I got those 3 years of cherished memories all because I granted her one thing, she needed in her life which was mercy. I had to put aside my hurt feelings to make sure she lived her best life.

       I’m sure God is saying, well done Traci. You have done well and followed the Commandment – Honor your mother and father.

       Good-bye mom, I hope you appreciated the love I gave you these last 3 years. All of your imaginary boyfriends are mourning your loss.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Family

Dear Mom (My Letter To Her)

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Dear Mom,

      This is the hardest letter I’ve had to write because today I’m saying good-bye to my mom.

      During the last 3 years, you have been my shopping buddy. We have gone on many adventures from visiting Berea, Ky to Jungle Jim’s to the Golden Lamb to our most recent adventure to Concord’s 200th anniversary celebration. We discovered that marshmallow coke is essential for road trips.

      In 2001 and 2002, Tanya, you, and I went on mother-daughter trips to Hershey, PA. So many memories were made on that trip from seeing the Backstreet Boys to my creation of your 50 boyfriends which by now exceeds 200. Each boyfriend was from a different state. Do you remember that we actually found one at a random rest stop who actually looked like our description? In the last 3 years, I would constantly point out random guys and tell you that’s your boyfriend. I even got Molly doing that also. You would just shake your head whenever I started that mess.

      One memory that has stuck out is when you took Tanya and I to Disney in 1990. I convinced you that the Big Thunder Railroad was a simulated roller coaster. We ended up in the front row. The look you gave me showed me how you were not happy with me. Oops. I was only 15.

      I have so memories from the years Tanya, and I were in Rainbow. Lots of Monday evenings and Thursday evenings were spent at either the Brookville or Dayton Masonic Temple. Thank you for making sure I was ready for those meetings, Installations, and Grand Assemblies. Do you remember the long “sobriety” line when George Bush, Sr. came to the Brookville Picnic during my Worthy Advisor term? So funny.

      All those trips to play Putt Putt mini golf and downtown Dayton – I will cherish those memories. All the times we went to the Salem Mall – My favorite part was getting the pretzel sticks with cream cheese. I still eat them that way. Although Nick says they are better with chocolate. LOL!

      I’m thankful for the 2 pieces of advice that you gave me when I was in my early 20’s. Both of those pieces of advice defined who I am as a person and changed my life path.

      In 1995, you told me that I needed to apply for the Disney College Program. I’m so grateful for that advice. It was the best experience of my life. I learned how to be independent and how to live on my own. I made memories that have lasted a lifetime. Plus, I made friends that are lifelong friends. One of which is now my chosen sister, Molly.

      The other advice is that I should become a special educator. This advice I didn’t follow at first. However, I was hired as an L.D. tutor when I got my first big girl job. Now I am in my 20th year of teaching special education in that same district. You constantly reminded me how much of a difference I have made in some of my students. You knew best. Thank you for the advice.

      I’m going to miss your constant telling me about the mail and how full your dumpster is currently. I’m going to miss calling you on Saturday mornings to say be ready at 10 am so that we could go to Aldi, Fresh Thyme, or Trader Joe’s. I’ll miss you telling me to buy canned peaches or bananas. I’m going to miss sitting behind you at church.

      Mom, we never were really close. However, in your own ways you let me know that your loved me. Seeing the smile on your face when I took you on another adventure. Finding all the photos you kept of me and the boys. You showed your love in quiet ways.

      Goodbye sweet mom. Your journey through life is complete. Rest up and watch over me and the boys.

Love your fiercely independent daughter,

Traci

Family, Writing Workshop

The Worse Morning Ever

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Last Saturday morning was probably the worse morning ever.

I did my usual routine of calling my mom. Usually I call her once or twice and then she would call me back. On that morning, I called her number 12 times. 12 times!

So I drove over to her apartment. Mail had piled up which was unusual.

I grabbed her mail and walked into her apartment which was unlocked.

I dropped the mail on her dresser in the living room and yelled her name.

As I turned the corner, I saw her lifeless body.

I immediately called 9-1-1 as I cried and screamed.

After I got off of talking to 9-1-1, I called Hubby who rushed over.

The police came and entered the apartment. They immediately walked out of the apartment and told me that she was deceased.

As they were doing all the legal stuff, I answered their questions and then began calling my aunt, best friend, and the funeral home. I began writing messages to let family know that she had died.

It got so overwhelming that I just did a Facebook status while the police officer talked to me.

I don’t know how many steps I took as I paced the apartment complex.

Random dudes came up to me and asked me what had happened. Neighbors came up to me and asked me what had happened to her.

It was very overwhelming. I was trying to hold it together and not cry.

Finally they told me that I could leave. I wanted to leave before the funeral home came and got her.

I attempted to do normal stuff like grocery shop and clean the house during the rest of the day.

All the while, I was trying to hold it together and not cry. Headaches and tiredness filled my soul during the day.

The house got picked up mostly. I fixed dinner. The Oldest got to Homecoming so I call that a successful day even with having the worse morning ever.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Family, Imaginative one, Wee one

Please Remember to Say I LOVE You

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I’ve got to finish my in memory of my mom posts but that will have to wait.

Today, Hubby told me to write for me not necessarily for an audience.

So I am going to talk about some of the feelings I have been feeling during these last few days. Maybe if I get it off my chest I’ll feel better.

Everyone has seen how much closer Mom and I have gotten since Tanya died. However, it was because I showed her mercy during her final years of her life. I showed her what it was like to have a joyful life. Not a perfect life but a life that discovered joy in finding adventures whether it be going to the sunflower field and then a local orchard or driving around random routes. Or just finding her one of my many imaginary boyfriends.

What people don’t realize is that she and I had a strained relationship. I knew that she loved me. She showed her love in quiet unassuming ways. However, I NEVER got to hear her tell me that she loved me.

I know she was proud of me and the boys but she NEVER told me that she was proud of me.

Sometimes we need that reassurance. We need our parents to tell us how proud and how much we love them.

Now that I’m a mother, I make sure I tell my sons how much they mean to me. The Oldest is more receptive to it. We tell each other several times a day “I love you.” One time he got off the phone and realized he hadn’t said it so he called me right back to tell me that he loved me.

The Youngest is going through the I’m a teenager please don’t say that you love me because I might not respond. Which is okay because I will still tell him that.

Now that my mom is gone, I can let my truths out. I’ve kept quiet about some of how I felt over the years out of respect to her. Now it’s time to be like dandelion seed and fly free.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Family

In Memory of My Mom

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Mom was born on December 15, 1948 to my grandparents. Well, duh! Of course her parents were my grandparents. Okay, continuing on.

Not only did she live in Morgan Place with her brother, Bob, her sister, Missy, and my grandparents, Norma and Dale, her cousins and her grandma all lived on the same street.

Mom told me a lot of stories. I listened to them over and over again. In my grief strickened mind, some of what she has told has gone away. It’ll show back up later.

Someone didn’t like their parents cooking so they would go beg their grandma to feed them. I don’t remember if it was her or her cousins or both.

When she was 7, she was hit by a school bus. School should not have been happening that day because of icy conditions. However, Randolph Township decided to still have school. Her bus driver did not realize she had fallen and hit her with the front tire. Rather then wait for medics to come, he decided that was going take her over to cousins’ house.

She ended up in traction for 6 or so weeks. Bob couldn’t visit her because he had the chicken pox. One of her teachers came and tutored her so that she would not fail and be in the same grade as her brother.

When she was in 8th grade, her Girl Scout troop took a trip to Washington, D.C. They got to see JFK’s pony or something like that when they visited the White House. They also had to pay to use the public restrooms.

Her dad owned Morgan something or another. (I wanted to say it was called Morgan Place but that doesn’t seem right.) They used to make moron burgers the size of a pie plate and homemade ice cream. After a year of owning it, he sold it or something like that.

In the meantime, she went off to college down in Buchannon, West Virginia. Even though she went for only 2 years to West Virginia Wesleyan, she would talk about it ALL the time.

While at college, she met my father. When asked how they met, she didn’t remember just that they met.

At some point, she worked at Burgin’s Pizza. She used to get Puffcorn, her favorite snacky food, and pop and go play cards with her grandma who would cheat. At least I think that is what she told me.

In 1971, she married my father in Pennsylvania. After their marriage, she moved to Eastern PA.

I’m going to leave off there for right now.

Have a magical day,
Traci

Hubby, photograph, photographs, Photography, travel, walt disney world, Writing Workshop

Not On My Honeymoon

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Back in 2000, Hubby and I went on our honeymoon. We had been married for a year.

Where do you think we went?

Well, Disney of course. While there, I turned 25 years old.

It was my first time there since my College Program. I was so excited to show Hubby around the World since it had been 15 or so years since he had been there.

I was also excited because I was going to be able to finally step foot in the Animal Kingdom because I watched it being built while I was on my College Program.

The first few days of the Honeymoon was great. We enjoyed spending time in Magic Kingdom and the Animal Kingdom.

Then the worse possible thing happened while down in Walt Disney World. I ended up with food poisoning. I spent all day Wednesday of my honeymoon stuck in our Mighty Ducks hotel room. All day long, I was worshiping the white porcelain God.

It was either the Key Lime Pie at the Rainforest Cafe or from drinking at the water fountains. I can eat Key Lime pie now but ever since then I don’t drink at water fountains.

The next day I was able to get out of our hotel room. We went to EPCOT and had breakfast or lunch at the Garden Grill. They gave us a free cake since it was our honeymoon. I don’t think I was able to eat any of it because my stomach was still upset.

We left on Friday of that week. I only wished I hadn’t gotten sick. The flight home was interesting but that is a story for another day.

The next year, we drove down to Walt Disney World in order to have a second honeymoon.

Never get sick in Disney. And not on your honeymoon. That’s the moral of my story.

Beliefs, Imaginative one, photograph, photographs, Photography, Writing Workshop

If I Had Stayed IN Bed

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I wish I would have stayed in bed.

Some days are like that.

Lately, it seems as though those are more and more days like that.

However, it is usually moments that are fleeting. Not the entire day.

Today was one of those days.

Listening to my son rant and rage about how he is feeling about the whole breakup has broken my heart. He usually has a kind soul who loves life.

I put on P!nk’s Hurts 2B Human album and played the song Hurts 2B Human on repeat and just bawled my eyes out on the way to work. I was a truly hot mess when I got there this morning.

I did listen to a few other songs but I played that song about 5 times.

I encountered some really stupid drivers on the way to school so that didn’t help. One of which pulled over in my lane and slowed way down so that he could get into the other lane so he could get off at the next exit. Luckily there was enough space between us so I could safely slow down.

Four of my co-workers allowed me to rant about the situation because I needed to get it off my chest before the students came in for the day.

Then the day started. I got hugs from students. One in particular gave me a hug several times throughout the day.

I escorted a student to class because he couldn’t figure out how to be sneaky so he wasn’t caught by me, the hallway patrol.

I had some good intervention sessions. In fact, I had some awesome ones. Then there were the ones where I am left in bewilderment on how disrespectful the students can be to each other and me. The one group sees me twice on Wednesdays so they made up for their not so good session. I don’t know why they were so bad during math intervention.

Listening to students get excited about what we were reading made my day. I had students asking questions and wanting to know more and other students using context clues. Those make an Intervention Specialist’s heart soar.

A student decided she needed to hang onto me as I was trying to lock my door. She has no concept of personal space.

During dismissal time, one of my students from last year showed up at the building. I got to talk to her and her mom for a while. It was such a sweet conversation. I love how she asked me if I had traveled anywhere lately.

I also found Swt. Blessings scripture plan for this month. It’s about finding comfort in God. I read today’s Scripture from 2 Corinthians 4: 7 – 9. It gave me comfort during this time.

So although at the beginning of the day and at moments throughout the day I felt as though I wish I had stayed in bed, I would not have had the beautiful parts of the day.

The sunrise today – So gorgeous!
One of my former students posted this today on Facebook. It popped up in my notifications. What a great message.

Have a magical day,
Traci